Tooting Bec Lido Spring Gala

Less than 24 hours after completing the latest installment of The Swimmer, I found myself once again packing multiple swimming costumes into a bag, for last Sunday heralded a much-anticipated day for the Brockwell Icicles - viz our first ever competitive swimming event! Specifically, a little gala at our big brother Tooting Bec lido just down the road which, moreover, was invitation-only, doncha know. We Icicles are clearly going up in the world. The weather was absolutely super - gloriously sunny and warm all day.

I'd somehow landed myself with organising our team and had managed to cajole fully 13 fellow Icicles into taking part - quite the coup I thought. Thanks to Peter for team pic below and many of the others in this post.

The mighty Brockwell Icicles

What's more master baker Tim had excelled himself and every other pastrychef to date in making the most wonderful Brockwell Lido cake, complete with splashing swimmers, poolside bathers and the lido cafe fashioned from homemade icing and marzipan.

As we filed in I found the words "like lambs to the slaughter" rising unbidden to my lips, for although there were only four other teams to contend with, they er, had the slight edge on us, being the home team South London Swimming Club, Out To Swim (who won the last two years), and two teams from the Serpentine Swimming Club, which is even older and scarier than Tooting's SLSC. Whereas these clubs train and hold regular race events, we Icicles are something of a motley, ramshackle crew resembling a jumblesale in human form and spend much of our time dropping cake crumbs around the poolside. Still you've got to start somewhere and we were determined to put up our best fight.

So, time to get psyched and unsettle the competition (by any means available):

Grrrr!

Roar!!

Dress to kill

Quick as a flash

Gangsters...

...and pranksters

All races were a quick 1-width (30 m) dash and we were allocated lane #4. We didn't bother entering the backstroke (ha!) so for us proceedings began with the individual breaststroke races in three age categories, for which we fielded Liz, Candy and Peretz. I've just been slaying myself laughing putting together the footage of these, so turn up the volume and hold onto your hats for some adrenaline-fuelled mayhem:

A highly respectable showing from the Icicles, settling into a comfortable second-to-last in each race! Did you spot Jonathan from the Swimmer zoom past in the near lane to win the U45 event?

Liz prepares to plunge

Go Candy go!

Next we had the freestyle relay (average age under 45) - my turn! Together with teammates Candy, Marc, and Peter. Marc and I took up our position on one side, and Candy joined us briefly before realising she should be on the other side with Peter and scampering round. In I sploshed and "GO" off I went, swimming as fast as I could and splashing a lot, which I think helps. Everyone else followed suit, cheering when not swimming and...we lost! By several seconds! Never mind!

Following on was the over 45s freestyle relay, calling for Brockwell Icicles David (whose brilliant version of events can be found here), Deb, Fran and Noelene. Sadly I missed this one in my post-race excitement, but I hear it went off well - second-to-last was it chaps?

Now for another classic video, this time of the individual front crawl races feat. David, Tim and Peretz again.

More second-to-last triumph, plus a record joint-third for Peretz - a team best!

Don't mess with the Polar Bear

Butterfly stroke races took place at this point - needless to say we Icicles merely looked on in awe.

All that remained was the 'squadron relay', billed as 'Any age, mixed gender' on the entry form, for which we had our two fastest swimmers, Ed and Talya, plus me and Tim. Secretly I had hopes that we might be in with a chance of at least second place... or better? 

Ed shot off first and put in an excellent start, promptly followed up by Talya showing no mercy on the competition.

Talya and Ed (actual swimmers)

As soon as her hand touched the side I was off like a greyhound out the traps, surging through the broiling choppy waters as though pursued by a pike.

Out of the water I barely had breath to cheer for Tim - we were doing well, a close race... But what's this? Why is Talya swimming back?!

Something's not right...

Panic-stricken I turned to a swimmer in the lane next to me to try and find out what was going on. Turns out the squadron relay is TEN widths between TEN people. Gaaah! As Ed plunged back in to rejoin the fray I frantically tried to work out what 10 divided by 4 is, in my confusion wondering if we would have to go out mid-pool to complete the half widths. No time to fathom it out, here was Tim coming back on his second lap...

"What I've got to go again?"

...nothing for it but for me to take another dash. All technique goes out the window as I haul my carcass back across the water:

Sorry Ed you're on again, can't even work out how many we've done... visions of just swimming on and on until we die of exhaustion....

Finally, there's one width to go - but no Icicles are swimming! It's got to be Talya or Tim, who are apparently having a heated discussion over on the other side. As the other teams pull away Tim either jumps or is pushed back in, now on his third width and straight after his individual race, a stalwart effort to bring the fiasco to a suitably underwhelming finish in last place hahahahaha!

I'm very sorry Ed, Talya and Tim!!

This is precisely why I should not be in charge! Utter utter chaos.

After the races came the presentation of the winners' trophy (which most of us missed as we were in the showers), going to -ahem- event organisers SLSC. Brockwell Icicles came, of course, a jolly last. On the other hand, because of how they organised it the team with the fewest points won - so, hey, we got the most points! And at least we went down smiling.

We also were the only team to get medals (made out of cardboard, by me):

We don't mess...

...we medal

Anyway, no time for recriminations, time to cut the cake!

So we might not have won the swimming battle but we fought a good fight, had a whale of a time and blasted their cakes out of the water. Thank you Tooting bec lido for inviting us! Swim clubs take note - the Brockwell Icicles might at some unspecified point become a force to be reckoned with (tbc).

A mascot for next time?