Entirely surrounded by water

Less than 24 hours after completing the latest installment of The Swimmer, I found myself once again packing multiple swimming costumes into a bag, for last Sunday heralded a much-anticipated day for the Brockwell Icicles - viz our first ever competitive swimming event! Specifically, a little gala at our big brother Tooting Bec lido just down the road which, moreover, was invitation-only, doncha know. We Icicles are clearly going up in the world. The weather was absolutely super - gloriously sunny and warm all day.

I'd somehow landed myself with organising our team and had managed to cajole fully 13 fellow Icicles into taking part - quite the coup I thought. Thanks to Peter for team pic below and many of the others in this post.

The mighty Brockwell Icicles

What's more master baker Tim had excelled himself and every other pastrychef to date in making the most wonderful Brockwell Lido cake, complete with splashing swimmers, poolside bathers and the lido cafe fashioned from homemade icing and marzipan.

As we filed in I found the words "like lambs to the slaughter" rising unbidden to my lips, for although there were only four other teams to contend with, they er, had the slight edge on us, being the home team South London Swimming Club, Out To Swim (who won the last two years), and two teams from the Serpentine Swimming Club, which is even older and scarier than Tooting's SLSC. Whereas these clubs train and hold regular race events, we Icicles are something of a motley, ramshackle crew resembling a jumblesale in human form and spend much of our time dropping cake crumbs around the poolside. Still you've got to start somewhere and we were determined to put up our best fight.

So, time to get psyched and unsettle the competition (by any means available):

Grrrr!

Roar!!

Dress to kill

Quick as a flash

Gangsters...

...and pranksters

All races were a quick 1-width (30 m) dash and we were allocated lane #4. We didn't bother entering the backstroke (ha!) so for us proceedings began with the individual breaststroke races in three age categories, for which we fielded Liz, Candy and Peretz. I've just been slaying myself laughing putting together the footage of these, so turn up the volume and hold onto your hats for some adrenaline-fuelled mayhem:

A highly respectable showing from the Icicles, settling into a comfortable second-to-last in each race! Did you spot Jonathan from the Swimmer zoom past in the near lane to win the U45 event?

Liz prepares to plunge

Go Candy go!

Next we had the freestyle relay (average age under 45) - my turn! Together with teammates Candy, Marc, and Peter. Marc and I took up our position on one side, and Candy joined us briefly before realising she should be on the other side with Peter and scampering round. In I sploshed and "GO" off I went, swimming as fast as I could and splashing a lot, which I think helps. Everyone else followed suit, cheering when not swimming and...we lost! By several seconds! Never mind!

Following on was the over 45s freestyle relay, calling for Brockwell Icicles David (whose brilliant version of events can be found here), Deb, Fran and Noelene. Sadly I missed this one in my post-race excitement, but I hear it went off well - second-to-last was it chaps?

Now for another classic video, this time of the individual front crawl races feat. David, Tim and Peretz again.

More second-to-last triumph, plus a record joint-third for Peretz - a team best!

Don't mess with the Polar Bear

Butterfly stroke races took place at this point - needless to say we Icicles merely looked on in awe.

All that remained was the 'squadron relay', billed as 'Any age, mixed gender' on the entry form, for which we had our two fastest swimmers, Ed and Talya, plus me and Tim. Secretly I had hopes that we might be in with a chance of at least second place... or better?

Ed shot off first and put in an excellent start, promptly followed up by Talya showing no mercy on the competition.

Talya and Ed (actual swimmers)

As soon as her hand touched the side I was off like a greyhound out the traps, surging through the broiling choppy waters as though pursued by a pike.

Out of the water I barely had breath to cheer for Tim - we were doing well, a close race... But what's this? Why is Talya swimming back?!

Something's not right...

Panic-stricken I turned to a swimmer in the lane next to me to try and find out what was going on. Turns out the squadron relay is TEN widths between TEN people. Gaaah! As Ed plunged back in to rejoin the fray I frantically tried to work out what 10 divided by 4 is, in my confusion wondering if we would have to go out mid-pool to complete the half widths. No time to fathom it out, here was Tim coming back on his second lap...

"What I've got to go again?"

...nothing for it but for me to take another dash. All technique goes out the window as I haul my carcass back across the water:

Sorry Ed you're on again, can't even work out how many we've done... visions of just swimming on and on until we die of exhaustion....

Finally, there's one width to go - but no Icicles are swimming! It's got to be Talya or Tim, who are apparently having a heated discussion over on the other side. As the other teams pull away Tim either jumps or is pushed back in, now on his third width and straight after his individual race, a stalwart effort to bring the fiasco to a suitably underwhelming finish in last place hahahahaha!

I'm very sorry Ed, Talya and Tim!!

This is precisely why I should not be in charge! Utter utter chaos.

After the races came the presentation of the winners' trophy (which most of us missed as we were in the showers), going to -ahem- event organisers SLSC. Brockwell Icicles came, of course, a jolly last. On the other hand, because of how they organised it the team with the fewest points won - so, hey, we got the most points! And at least we went down smiling.

We also were the only team to get medals (made out of cardboard, by me):

We don't mess...

...we medal

Anyway, no time for recriminations, time to cut the cake!

So we might not have won the swimming battle but we fought a good fight, had a whale of a time and blasted their cakes out of the water. Thank you Tooting bec lido for inviting us! Swim clubs take note - the Brockwell Icicles might at some unspecified point become a force to be reckoned with (tbc).

A mascot for next time?

Tis true what they say: time flies like an arrow, and fruit flies like a banana. For a whole month has passed since my last post and we find ourselves back in The Swimmer territories - my favourite destination for a Saturday. If the February Swimmer felt mild, this installment was positively balmy, with temps in double figures the whole morning.

Unfort Brockwell Icicle and photographer extraordinaire Peter was away on dutiful-husband duties so you'll have to make do with my craphazard photos. Alternatively you could check out this excellent little video made by one of Saturday's cast, Turner Moyse. It really captures the sense of the wheels coming off as the journey goes on.

After the usual 7am meet at Hampstead starbucks to sign away our lives, we hit the heath and soon splintered into girls and boys teams for the respective ponds.

Turnout was appropriately high on the ladies' side for International Women's Day - NINE in total. A new record and quite the contrast to my first ever Swimmer, when I enquired nervously "when do all the other women arrive..?"

A lady who worked at the pond was so excited by this superabundance of women that she gave us balloons to clutch for our team photo.

Go the mighty girls

Then a brisk trot to catch up with the boys at Parliament Hill Lido...

And what a lido it is! So spacious at 60m, and an all-over sensory experience with steel lining + cold water combo.

Oh the dames they are a-changin'

Just time to glug down some water and catch our breath in the carpark....

...before setting off to Hyde Park for some Serpentine splashings.

Rev Graham: London's answer to The Fonze

No sooner had Swimmer newcomer Andy (pictured above) given proceedings two thumbs up than he executed a most elegant tumble coming out of Regents Park, drawing the first Swimmer blood:

Knocked knee

Arriving at the Serpentine I gleefully informed some of the first-timers that we do not, unfortunately, have access to the swim club facilities and would, indeed, be changing by the lake in full view of the world, his wife and their two dogs. Like the first two swims, the waters felt almost warm - or, at 7-8 degrees, at least lacking that chilly edge of recent months, affording a lovely pleasant swim (once you'd come to terms with the scary swans and general presence of duck poo).

Bin thinking of writing a love litter..?

Next stop: serpentine carpark for morale-boosting cake - particularly excellent offerings this month of sloe gin and blackberry cake from Brockwell Icicle Liz and lemon sponge from Swimmer co-organiser Jonathan. Plus Anna's almost-hot sweet tea and a cheeky smoke for me, leaving us ready to take on the final 10k leg to Brockwell lido. Before we set off, Rev Graham announced he would be departing at this point for his son's birthday, so of course we all sang Happy Birthday dear Oliver and clapped at the end, which was sort of weird given Oliver wasn't there, but also just very very Good.

Running ability was pretty evenly matched in the group this month, allowing for plenty of pack-running through Kensington, over Battersea Bridge and down into Battersea Park - Liz and I breathing our usual sigh of relief as we gained the south side of mother Thames. By tacit understanding the every-man-for-himself ethic kicked in as usual just before Clapham, and I completed the last 5k at a respectable canter with acrobatic Andy, our destination hoving into view just as my right knee was drawing breath to protest.

Hooray for Brockwell lido! Saving the best til last.

My natural habitat

Here comes Jonathan

Group dive and a few beautiful, soothing lengths, soapy shower to wash off all the sweat, mud and leaves, and then that transcendental moment: the piercing of the poached egg at the lido cafe. Ahhh...